2020 Case Study: Second Psychosis; The aggressive side.

The beginning of my descent into madness started in college. When I first had a mental breakdown from overworking my mind and body trying to do too much of everything from 2016 to 2018. However, I didn’t take notice of it or become aware of my mind and what was going on until 2020 when I was laced with PCP or Angel Dust which led to me becoming extremely aggressive and having an out-of-body experience that led to my death. The funny thing is after I died, that was when things started becoming a lot clearer to me as I first felt fear from actually feeling like I was losing myself and was going to go on a frenzy as I started seeing visions of another dimension or world where I was attacking my family, tanks were coming to my house, and seeing myself kill 10 police officers. This first division of self was something that I had never experienced and led to me having an influx of thoughts, images, and uncontrollable muscle twitches that I had never had before. And so it led to me believing that I was crazy. I felt like I was the only one experiencing this until I realized that wasn’t the case. That there were other individuals out there going through similar situations like me. So I decided to create a series to explain what happened to me as well as give others a chance in this series to share their stories as well to get a better understanding of what psychosis is as there is not a lot of research out there that truly depicts psychosis as well as how most people recover from it within 5 months to 3 years.

So let's start with psychosis number 2 during 2020. This was the worst feeling and scariest feeling that I've ever experienced. It felt like I was losing myself and floating through space. Like I no longer had an identity, was glitching, and was thinking things that would never come to mind before. What was the worst part about it? Well, the fact that I lost my identity, was abandoned by everyone, and then I felt like I was wrong about everything. That sucked. And then you add onto the fact that my own family was attacking me and not believing in me since they saw I was disconnecting from reality.

When the police came into the house after my mother called them because my brother was worried that I would kill someone because I became so aggressive and he and I were wrestling as I was trying to leave the house in order to find the person that had caused damage to me. I couldn’t believe my family would call the police on me knowing that I hated the police since they had pulled me over with guns drawn to the side whilst I was walking home in my neighborhood because they thought I was a criminal. I felt betrayed and ultimately upset because I thought they would try to find a better way. This heart ache triggered something within me as the police tackled me to the floor and I felt like I was falling deeper into a pool and as I fell hands started to grab me to pull me farther down. Until finally a hand pushed me forward from the back and I came to consciousness with my wrist in my mouth while 5-7 police officers were trying to hold me down. Then everything became a blur like I was watching life in a slow motion movie. I started talking and it didn’t sound like me. Like a voice that was feminine and hurt. Saying the most vulgar things and anything to avoid going to jail. Everyone that was there couldn’t believe that was me talking. Especially after what just happened and the fact that my voice was deep and sounded like a growl when I was unconscious or whatever type of consciousness that was. I was then handcuffed and injected with something and then taken to the hospital. What transpired there requires a serious understanding of the mind or of spiritual system to not think I’m crazy because even to me I thought I was crazy and everyone there was crazy. I was welcomed to the land of the crazies. Will talk about the hospital experience but first let’s go back a bit and see what was going on in the real world and my mind at the time.

Imagine the world being against you, you thinking you’re the worst thing in existence and then being accused of it by everyone with no evidence of it all and then you are on the defensive end and have to prove yourself. Now this was actually taking place, and inside my head it was a different story completely. I was experiencing a fractured world where I was able to see right through everything and saw how everything connected. I saw when the NFAC ( Not Fucking Around Coalition) was trying their best to protect black people until Grand Master Jay was labeled with false charges and the Nigerians were killed by their own government. I saw when Astrobae was trying to claim me and talking about a child in my mind and there being a white man in my mind. All of this played a big role in diving me deeper into my psychosis and my spiritual journey continued with me being on the wrong path but the necessary path to discovering myself. The more I went on the wrong path, the more I learned how I did not want to be as I was becoming lost and losing sense of myself. It was a surreal experience and a lesson in life as to how not to be. This was all so bad that I had to be hospitalized and labeled a danger to the community. This was when I decided to use neuroplasticity to heal myself when I got out as medications would not be the cure due to the side effects they would have.

So now we talk about the hospital stay and how neuroplasticity plays a role in all of this. At the hospital, in the land of the crazies: for my first stay I became aware of the secret society that drinks adrenochrome and hosts a pedophilic ring through ritual sacrifice. At least that’s what was going through my head at the time. I was seeing people’s thoughts and hearing someone talking about something I didn’t understand at the time called neuroplasticity that would heal me and it’s okay to be hurt. In my mind I also realized that i was too aggressive to be a pedophile and I did not think of children that way, so I shouldn’t be worried. Then the same voice that I had heard that day when I was demonically possessed started to become stronger. Through screaming, it was getting louder and louder. Harder to ignore. Then it got so loud that it was all I would hear and the other calmer voice would be distorted. The calmer voice was telling me to not take the medicine while the screaming voice said that was the only way to get out. In reality, everyone was telling me to take the medication, how I was a model patient, that I would be all right after a couple months to years. In reality life my heart was becoming colder as I was being betrayed by everyone. I just wanted to smoke to calm down and not have to worry about it all. The inner calm voice said that’s not the way. I didn’t want to listen so I started listening to the screaming voice because it agreed more with what I wanted at the time. See how the devil works. Then what is god I started to ask myself. What is good and evil. How can the devil and god not be one thing as we consciously can’t comprehend it. And so I started to question both voices as I wanted to learn and understand both perspectives of good and evil to see what knowledge truly is. In reality I was just going along with the program in order to be released. What they were teaching us seemed pointless and more like just occupying children while medicating them in order to make them more pacified and safe to be around. This was my firsthand experience with how “ crazy” people are treated when they don’t understand their own minds. At the time I didn’t know it was called neurosis. Then as I was following along the program in real life, internally I would learn to go within and how to walk in the darkness.

Narrative Medicine: How I learned how to heal myself and develop my neuroplasticity research to understand how my brain functions. The weird part is that none of this was my idea per se. It was the source of an outside knowledge that I could not pinpoint. It felt like knowledge was being downloaded into my brain and I could not stop it. I later found out that such a thing is possible when a person is either a genius, receives a new soul, or is being blessed with a creative alignment. As for me it was all 3. It was too much for me at once and I didn’t understand what was going on as I was trying to make sense of it all. This led me to being stuck on a chase for knowledge without really being able to retain anything. I was just learning and nothing was sticking until I started implementing everything I was learning. Which, go figure, who would’ve thought that right. Well I thought I would be able to write everything down and then be able to go back to it later. But it was like even if I had written it down and saved it for later it didn’t make any sense when I returned to it later.